Gladly Escape

I thought I am done with all the what if's in my life. I thought that no matter what I would always take a risk. I thought I will never be scared. I thought I will no longer pretend. I thought that I would end these endless thoughts. But I was wrong. I am now in a loop. A loop that I've always wanted to break. I am now more scared of everything.  

 It's been a long time since I posted here. A lot of things have changed. The world has become crazy. I lost a number of people in a span of two years, some of them died because of COVID, some were killed and others choose to free themselves by their own choice. I didn't talk about these to my friends because one, I don't have a close relationship with them, two, I also don't see the point of talking about it with my friends, it could trigger their trauma and I don't want that.  Anyway, this blog is not about the physical death but rather a mental/emotional one. I am writing this post to mark the death of my dream. I have prayed, waited, and fought for it for two years. I have done my part and I did my best. I guess I am not meant to dream. It was so foolish of me to think that I was meant to be a public school teacher. I am such a fool thinking that I prepared myself to become one. I am such a fool for wasting other opportunities because I believed on this dream. A...

This year h ad been   so  good to me. I've been blessed with various opportunities.  First, an opportunity to set a career goal. If you've read my previous posts you would know how I struggle with this one. I've been in different industries but I always felt that there's something missing and I couldn't figure it out.  This year, I took the risk to take the licensure exam for teachers and with the help of my review center, family, friends, mentors in DPE, myself (of course haha) and above all, Him; I passed it. Now, this is one more reason that I should pursue a teaching career. As of now, I couldn't say that I am a good teacher but my goal for next year (2020) is to be better than I was last year and to inspire more students to love the English language. Second, an opportunity to work abroad. I never thought that I could actually work here in Thailand because I never imagined that I would successfully go through the immigration in the Philippines ...

To the one I thought would end the cycle, Fast. Too fast. I couldn't think of any other word to describe our short-lived love affair. It just happened so fast that I got lost and confused. I assumed you were too. It's undeniable that we had an interest for each other *confidence level 9999* *evil laugh*. Though honestly, i still couldn't believe that someone like you actually liked me. You're way out of my league, man. And I can say that I'm just an ordinary woman. There's nothing so special about me. hahaha *silent cry* I know, it was my fault. I immediately asked you if we were in this so-called 'relationship'. I couldn't even believe that I asked you that question. I was not even ready. I am pretty sure that you were surprised when I said that. Everything changed after that. You became distant and cold. I felt guilty. I felt sorry for you and for myself too. I wish I could turn my words back. I wish I didn't ask you. I...

Hello there my dear readers! (as if I have one!) Hahahaha Here I am again venting out all my disappointments, frustrations and heartaches through this blog. If you have read my previous posts better get used to it *sigh**cries* I just couldn't understand myself on why I easily get attracted and eventually get attached to someone. I actually thought that 2019 would be different. I truly believed that my heart was guarded, protected, and sealed. I was wrong. Totally wrong. I just have this delusion that it was. It had never been. I realized that I had this endless cycle. Build a wall > Found someone > Trusted him > Getting attached > Realized it was a one-sided love > Move on > Start to build a wall > Found another man that I thought could love the broken part of me > so on and so forth. I was never whole. I just thought that I am. I was looking for someone to make me whole. IT'S THE BIGGEST MISTAKE YOU SHOULD NEVER MAKE!!!! These past few months, ...

Dear brad, It's been months since I knew that you left this world. I truly miss you. You are one of the best people I know. I miss the way you look at me. The way you treated me. I miss how gentle you are despite your bad boy appearance. I miss how you would listen to my nonsense talks. I miss you singing songs to me. I miss being myself with you, the weaker and darker version of me.  It was my fault that I blocked you and choose not to communicate with you. I needed time to think and I felt like on that time I needed some space. I needed time to think if giving us a chance would be worth it. I regret that everyday. I wish i took the risk. I wish I haven't given up on us.  Right now, I want to be with you. How I wish that you could see me now, I am slowly following what I want as you always asked me to. I wish you were here when I passed the licensure exam. You were so supportive to me and encouraging me to be a teacher. How I wish I could turn back time, ...